The 5th Stage: Acceptance

Have you ever gotten to that point where you actually believe everything your bullies ever said to you? Did you believe every hater, every naysayer, every person who pushed you down and then kicked you to make sure you stayed there?

I did.

I fought it. I’m talking to people. I’m writing it down. It has helped and is still helping. For that, I’m thankful.

But, those bullies, they are still saying those things. And subconsciously, I still believe them.

I used to love so many things but today they stand in my mind as lost memories from years ago. I am told by the people that I talk to that that’s okay. I am trying to believe that I am allowed to change; however, because of the other things I am told by those who don’t understand, I feel guilty for changing. I feel guilty for being the person that I am. I feel guilty for feeling the way I feel.

What cruel twist is that?

Why is it that the things other people say or do affect me to a point of literally looking happiness in the face and just sucker-punching it?

I am letting the thoughts that these negative people have embedded in my brain affect my behaviour towards those who listen to me, understand me, respect me, and love me for me.

I’m done. I’m done thinking like this. I’m done resisting the happiness laid out in front of me, the happiness that I know I deserve. I am just going to let it happen. I want to feel the happiness. I want to truly feel it and then never let it go.

And to those who don’t understand, I just hope that one day, you will. Or that you at least respect that my happiness looks different than yours.

Mahalo and Aloha,

Caitlin