Misunderstood.

Misunderstood: a fate almost as awful as death. That was what she was. Constantly.

She’s tried to get people to understand the words that spew out of her mouth and the behaviour that is expelled from her body; however, she has failed every time. That’s why her most commonly used phrase is, “Never mind.”

All those close to her think she doesn’t care. All those close to her think that she is the misunderstood one; that she is the one causing the trouble. They think she is a misguided teenager rather than a grown woman. Sure, she still has lots to learn but, shouldn’t she learn it herself?

Every time she tries to be understood, it turns out the opposite way. All she wants is to be understood but by now, she is so afraid to say anything. In the past, the things she has said and done in order to be understood has been shot down, denied, and ridiculed. Why is it that she can find empathy and sympathy for those that others avoid yet, when it is her turn to search for such kindnesses, no such luck?

She just wants to be free. She wants to live her life. She wants to love and be loved. That doesn’t mean escape. But, with the life she has lived and the horrors she has seen, she knows no other strategy; she runs. She runs and runs and runs and runs. Constantly and consistently. Figuratively and literally.

The people that she runs from do not understand why she is running and where she is running to. Frankly, neither does she. But when she does, she seems to breathe a little better and see the world in a clearer view.

It is not that she wants those that she is running from out of her life, no. She just wants those very important people in her life to understand that in order for her to escape from the state of misunderstood, she has to prove to them that she isn’t or, prove to herself that she is.

She never, even for one second, doubted their love for her so, why do they doubt her love for them?

Mahalo and Aloha,

Caitlin